In memory

Nobody knows, i am crying most of the time. But, i am good at pretending to be happy.So everything seems go right. Never mind. Everything will be okay.

God bless Him :) 

My bestfriend lovestory ever~

CRYING AGAIN

The pictures ~ at the notes board ~In my room.

Tengah siapkan paper work karnival permainan tradisional dan dengar-dengar lagu dari lappy, tetiba air mata mengalir laju tak tertahankan. Aku benci lagu sedih!!! Please someone bagi tisu banyak2 masuk bilik aku.Dah nak banjir ni. Benci akuuu.bila nak berhenti menipu diri sendiri ni. Dalam FB buat happy macam orang gila.Kenyataanya, dalam bilik menangis macam dunia dah nak runtuh.Ester2..come on baby!!! I am strong baaaaa!!!!

Harus tabah !

Aku ni jenis tak suka lagu-lagu rentak biasa.Tapi entahlah tadi tetiba pula aku ambil gitarku dan mula mainkan lagu "aku suka dia " Lagu Ainan Tasneem. Bukannya mood jatuh cinta pun tapi entahlah rasa macam nak nyanyi ala-ala remaja la sangat.hahaha! Syok juga lagu ni sebenarnya. Bolehlah.Kalau remaja-remaja belasan tahun tu, mesti gilakan lagu ni. Asyik-asyik lagu ni keluar dalam radio.Kalau tak pun, lagu najwa tu. esemen. Ni kena penangan nak sangat selalu muda.Haa aah..yala.Aku sendiri tak percaya aku semakin tua. Tahun ni umur aku masuk 23 tahun. Oh tidak.Sungguh aku tak dapat terima kenyataan. Aku masih nak berada dalam lingkungan belasan tahun. hahaha! Tak pelaa..fisiologi aku memang menyatakan yang aku ni macam budak sekolah :P Kronologi aku saja yang semakin meningkat. Baiklah, baiklah.Harus yakin orang bilang :) 

That's me.Cyeka took this pixa ~last year

Aku semakin menyedari bahawa, aku sememangnya dilahirkan sebagai orang yang sabar dan kuat. Kalau diikutkan betul, terlalu banyak perkara yang aku dah tempuh. Segalanya mematangkan aku. Aku beruntung dapat melalui ini semua kerana itu membuat aku jauh lebih maju setapak dari orang lain.Kerana itu membuat aku berbeza dari orang lain. Mungkin sebab itulah,aku pergi mana-mana aku boleh survive. Dulunya aku sendiri tak percaya pada kemampuanku.hohoho.

Namun hakikatnya, aku sangat terluka sekarang.Sangat-sangat terluka.Kalau boleh, aku nak hilang ingatan dan tak pernah ingat masa laluku. Tapi aku masih waras. Aku terpaksa berpisah dengan ex bopren aku kerana tak direstui oleh ibu bapa atas dasar perbezaan agama. Tak apalah.Tuhan mengajar aku untuk bersabar. Dalam kesakitan ini, aku sangat-sangat memerlukan segala yang ada dalam hidupku.Tuhan semestinya, rakan-rakan , family besarku dan sesiapa sahaja yang jujur bersahabat denganku.  Aku tetap kuat. My beloved mom sakit.My lil sister pun sakit. Aku tahu, mereka sangat memerlukan aku sebagai pemberi semangat.Aku tahu. Dalam keadaan aku yang sangat terluka sekarang, aku gagahkan diri untuk terus kuat di hadapan mereka. Aku terlalu mengasihi mereka sehingga aku sendiri lupa bahawa aku juga sakit sebenarnya. Sakit hati. Tak tahulah, aku masih gagah.Kalau difikirkan orang lain berada di tempatku, tak mungkin mereka sekuat aku. Aku sudah belajar tabah sejak kepergian papa. 

Ada sesuatu yang benar-benar menyesakkan dadaku. Aku berusaha gembira.Aku meyibukkan diri.Bersukan. Bermain. Nyanyi.macam-macam aku dah buat. Semakin baik.Tapi adakalanya, sakit itu datang lagi. Aku setia mengasihi si dia selama ini..Aku merasa kehilangan. Aku menangis sejak tahun 2012. December 2012. Sehingga saat ini, aku masih menangis. Siapakah yang dapat menghentikan air mata ini? Aku terus bersandar pada Tuhan.Aku percaya, akan ada seseorang yang berjaya menghapus air mataku. Aku harap aku akan jatuh cinta lagi.... Tapi buat masa ini, aku ingin stabil. Aku ingin berehat dulu. Aku tidak perlu cinta kilat yang hanya menambah cuka pada luka !dem it! 

KISAH CINTA AKU ~ PENTINGGGG!!!

What a very sad story to share. I am about to cry all of the nights.  He broke my heart. I thought he was the one. This is the most cliche' story that one could ever come across but I guess it happens to the most of us. Sounds dramatic but it's true. At the moment, all I seem to do is feel hurt and it cuts deep into my soul and leaves me powerless and frightened. Sentimentalny!hoho! Sometimes I just want to scream in frustration as it feels like nobody notices me or the emotional pain I am in. I think a defining moment in one’s life comes the instant we realize what we could have had. I knew I was falling completely, totally, hopelessly head-over-heels for this man. Maybe I couldn’t accept that right then. I know I was scared of being hurt again . I missed him all the time, but was still afraid to admit how I felt. Eventually, those hidden feelings backfired on me.  I tried to move on from all the heartache and sorrow. I started working and studying more, keep enjoying my exercise, meeting people, and doing whatever I could to rebuild the happiness I felt I needed and deserved. I found that time does heal the pain, but you have to work at it a bit and look ahead to find that bright light in your life after such pain. I could have sat back, wishing, wanting, and holding on to a past I had no control over. I could have allowed all the grief to swallow me up. Instead, knowing I had to get on with my own life, I made sure to embrace every opportunity to do so. Sure, I still felt pain and sadness, but it helped tremendously to stop and appreciate the small things in life for their simple beauty. Getting out there and living each day the best I could made time pass easily and pain fade over time. Most of all, I learned never to bottle up my thoughts and emotions. It was good to talk; to remember. 

Huhu. He is my  first love and it was  very painful, but i can asure that  there is life after this guy and one day i  will really-really understand that :) Yess, i  need to find that inner strength to end it and i truly believe from the way things are, it won’t be long. We all change as we get older and want different things in life and i will also.

 You know what? I am being faithful to him all of the time before. I admit that i never flirt at another guy even i am being tackled by some "dream guy". I tried to give all of my commitment and being commited in this relationship but then everything is just like a dust. We are just different :( Because of this kind of religion. I am an Adventist and he is a Roman. Maybe some people laugh at this time about the thing.But, i tell you my self, u will never understand a person until u walk a mile in their shoes.Don't simply judging people from their words! You get into this story and You know it urself. I have been pray hard for all this time. I hope that his family will change their heart and accept me just the way i am. I hope they won't push him to let me go.But, everything is wasting time.I ever said this to God.Omo! I am so bad!sorry dear God. My friends said to me "If he really2 love you then he will fight for this challenge " Huhu.what a killing respond. And you know what , he ever told me not to hear what people say about us,about the difference. He warn me before, don't care what people say.This is our relationship.And we have the right to make it real and fight for what they think we don't.  Can you imagine how confident i am? Huhu. Now he is gone from my life for good.  I wasn’t looking for love, I wasn’t planning on falling for anyone but he came and it changed everything.  Sometimes I want to cry in front of him and ask him why he did this. I don't want to give up in our relationship but the moment he said " Sia x yakin sudah sama relationship kita sekarang ", wouww!It's like crackssssss!!Crushhhhhh!! Within 60 seconds, i said to him " Lepaskan saya". How can you stand and fight for your relationship if he said so??? He told me not to care what people say, but then he admit it himself..He cares for what his family and friends said. Omaigoshhh. At least, fight baa! But he is too young maybe to make the desicion.It's okay.It's allright.

x kena edit ni picture.b r la!Gambar kami time malam apresiasi muzikal di maktab. hehehe. 

I know he loved me so much. And i do so. We are bestfriend . I know him since in 2009. And fall for him in 2011. I am officially in a relationship with him in 17 May 2011 ~The day after his birthday. We live our relationship just like bestfriend, hang out sometimes, practicing music and koir, study together in the library..have a meal together. There's nothing more than that.And i really love that relationship.He do respect me so much.He treat me like a woman.A precious woman. I am thankful for having him as my beloved soulmate because he do respcet me. He is different ~ And i trust him! We are not like the others. I told him "if u really love me, then u can wait " Thank you my dear!! That's why i love you so much!U treat me like a woman. 

He said i am so precious to him. I am an angel for him,Huhuhu( mihad sia ingat ni...) He said, i am talented  and i am his dream future wife.Aduiiii..sedih ouww.He said, i have a good heart and that's why so many people like me.That's why i have so many friends. He said i am short but i am pretty( blueekk.not angkat bakul) hoho. He said I like everything about you.I don't care u're doing sport and sometime u looks messy n darkkkkk..hehehe..aduiii. He said to me " I am proud..My girlfriend is talented.She can sing.She can play music.She can do sport.She can Cook. She can talk in the public.She can be a motivator. She can be a baby sitter.She can be a teacher.She can be a nurse.She can be...mcm2.." That's what he said to me.He adore me so much. I don't know.I never realize all that~i live my life freely and he is watching everything. He knows me well. 

I can't describe how it feels seeing him around campus. I feel like everyone expects me to be superwoman and that I am just there ! Someday, everyone will know.We are broke up :)

~But this is a good news!! I am stronger than yesterday! I know this is God's answer. We broke up for good :) i believe that there's someone special for me.waiting for me.And he is a Godly man! !! Thank you God for this lesson. I will seek your peace and mercy.Focus on you. Thank you for loving me. With God all things are possible.hehe.Trust me,I can handle this. I may not forget him but i can change the feeling. Yess i doooo!!!  It takes time. Esther is full of inspiration.So don't misunderstood me :). And agen, last night i went through his FB profile.And i saw someone.A girl..His new gf maybe :) Seems close and sweet. God bless both of you dear. I am deeply hurt but this is the truth. I saw their comment " Masak sasau together.moginum together.rumamai together.."hiihihi..semua yang saya tidak dapat buat :) I don't eat sasau. i don't drink. i Don't go for aramaiii tie. I don't go for clubbing :) x apalah kan? Saya ada kebahagiaan yang Tuhan sudah rancang. Walaupun ini pilihan . Indahnya dunia jika saya benar-benar mengerti hikmah itu :) saya sayang dia sangat-sangat sehingga saya masih fikirkan keadaan dia.hati dia.sedangkan, dia memaksa saya untuk mencintai lelaki lain.Amat cepat. biarlah rahsia.ada lagi sesuatu yang belum beres antara saya dan someone yang i called dady~Mr Nikon..Saya mahu bereskan semuanya sebelum saya benar-benar belajar mencintai orang lain..Palan2 ba esther..Heheeeeehe.saya tidak mahu pilih lelaki alang-alang.Kalau niat mahu berseronok atau mahu lupakan kesedihan, jangan cari saya. Kalau awal-awal sudah pandai menipu, buat apaa??Buang jauh-jauh. Semua orang mahu pasangan yang setia.At least..komitmen baa..apa-apapun, saya juga tidak mahu orang lain terluka.Just wait and see what will happen :) 

Feel Sexy!

I want to have my six packs back!  My tummy is a bit flat now but there's no six packs. haha! I ate too much because  i thought I am doing so much physical activity.Yeahhh la,of cos I did! But, maybe I need to do seat up more and back to my routine >take my dinner before seven :) Yeahh,that's good! I know this semester I gonna have a very-very tough day all day long. All my theory subject are getting harder than before.And, my practical subject like PJM 3112 A wouww!! Hockey, Badminton,Olahraga! omo! I love it damn much! I don't have to go gym like the others. I am enjoying my exercise every day :) . But I miss my commitment before :( Yesterday, i din go for jog.  I saw some guy playing volleyball, I went play with them! Then,  i went play badminton.haha! Ester2! You are really enjoying your excitement! I am sweating too much! I love it damn much! I just want to keep my fitness, I just want to enjoy my life the way i loved! 

I want to have this soon and very soon! jangan di bibir saja ester! haha! I ever had this abdomen before. It was in 2009-2011. I always show them to my roomate.This is what i called satisfaction!  Now, i have to go back to my principle.yeah, u must ester!! I don't care I am short.I feel so sexy when I am doing sport!hahaha! 

Face The Book

"I am doing my power point right now.  " Pembelajaran Induktif dan Deduktif " I am a bit tension.Network problem bikin kacau daun btl la! :p kenapa selalu datang malas kalo banyak keja nak disiapkan ni?come on Eyster!!wake up! It's time to do your work properly.hehe.Yala2.kemalasan melanda. Roomate aku balik.aku pun nak balik kg jugak tapi abang aku tak jadi balik la.hohoho.okay2.let's continue.today's lesson, be free :) 

I am Learning Everyday

It takes time :) As a wise man, don't take it easy.Everything is under control so, keep work on it. I am talking about my self. I hate what he has done to me. I won't forgot it. Just one thing i can say honestly, I am a grown woman,..i am about to be an adult. I can think it by myself and at last i can conclude that, the time will come :) The season will come very soon! haha! u may think what i am talkin about.i am trying to create such metaphor :p bengong sejenak. hihi! y penting, aku hidup slumber.Peace no war :)

Agak Skema di situ!haha

Health Education lecture .Searching for some materials :)

The GLADIATOR In the gym

I cannot turn back time!

I do love him so much. Yess, i do. He knows me well and even seen me in a very tough looking just like a guy when i do sport.haha! I remembered so much things about him.He's such a very good guy for me. The respectful is the key in our relationship before..and the principles are to be honest, to be faithful and to trust. I admit..He's really a nice guy.

I am hurt so much when everything end up just like this.  I have no scandal during our relationship. I know him too. I know he loved me damn much! I pray so hard and asking God.Why everything turned to be like this?? I ever blame God for that. I don't even thank God. I hate the way His family thinks about our future! But i do love them :(

I don't know what to say..they are talking about the differences. I don't want to elaborate and explain what is the differences.It is killing me slowly. People are so egois!

He is so special.I know him as an enemy before..hahahah!and everything grew up as a friend. it takes 1 year for me to fall in love with him. finally, we are in love. I love him just the way he is.

Apa yang saya suka tentang dia.....sometimes i called my self crazy.but no one will understand.but, experience will taught you so much things :)

-Dia sangat menghormati saya sebagai wanita 

- Dia sangat memahami saya

- Dia selalu mencari saya

- Dia membuat saya merasa istimewa

- Dia menghantar teks mesej yang panjang dan bermakna

- Dia menghargai pemberian saya

- Dia menyokong setiap aktiviti saya

- Dia tidak pernah mencuba untuk mengubah saya yang kadang2 maskulin hahaha

- Dia suka memuji saya dengan ikhlas

-Dia katakan bahawa, saya selalu cantik dalam dan luar

- Dia memuja saya

- Dia suka melayan karenah saya yang macam2

- Dia suka mendengar luahan saya

- Dia pendengar yang amat baik

- Dia tahu banyak tentang saya

-Dia tahu apa yang saya sedang fikir bila berjauhan dengan dia

- Dia akan berusaha menenangkan hati saya bila saya sakit hati

- Dia membenarkan saya menangis depan matanya

- Saya percaya dia

- Dia pandai menyanyi

-Dia pandai main muzik.

-Dia pernah ajar saya driving!
-Dia sgt hebat mengurus
-Dia sgt cool :)

- Dia selalu merindui gelak tawa saya

Macam2 lagi. Saya terhibur bila mengingati semua tentangnya. Dia memang  lelaki yang sangat baik untuk disayangi .I pray for him supaya jumpa seseorang yang akan menyayangi dia dengan tulus ikhlas. Saya akan merasa sangat tenang jika dia dapat berbahagia dengan perempuan yang baik-baik.semestinya sehaluan dengan dia. Saya selalu menyokong dan akan terus memberi dia semangat. Thank you so much for being so nice to me. Thank you for loving me.saya sangat menghargai dia :) 

Dia mengharapkan saya akan disayangi dan dicintai oleh lelaki yang jauh lebih baik. Amen.thank you so much! 

No hates..No regret. This is the way we choose to be.It has to be. I am happy if you are happy. 

Sejujurnya, dia masih ada di perasaaan saya.tapi dalam hatiku menyimpan satu harapan :) untuk membina sebuah hidup baru dan membuka lembaran baru..berjalan bersama Yesus selalu :)

"I will make the future to be wonderful " 

I am Strong

WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE~

All things r possible.Yess.All things r possible.Amen

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever.Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much.If I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made, I wouldn't because it has made me who I am today.

Shake off the "why's" and the "what if's" and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was - is in the past. Whatever is? That’s what's important. The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized.

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life'd be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So grab hold of it.

And I won't look back. And I won't regret. Though hurts like hell. Someday I will forget.